Hoping, and Wishing, and Dreaming...

I feel the fattest I've ever felt. The most guilty. My boyfriend grabs my belly. It makes me feel like shit. He doesn't mind it, but it kills me knowing that I didn't have it when we started dating. Icky day. I literally shook as I was on the elliptical to try to burn more calories in my short time span. wow.

Stay strong, lads!

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Well, It's been over a year since I last posted. In that time, I have lost weight and gained some of it back. I have a ton more to lose yet. I have just gouged myself in my one 'meal' for the day. Hopefully I'll be able to hold it to that for the rest of the night. I'm really behind on my math homework at the moment, and I have a math quiz in about an hour and 8 minutes. :/ haha. Well December of last year my best friend died. She committed suicide. I want to say that caused a lot of binging on my part. I wish it would have helped in starving. I have the most wonderful boyfriend. ( I like to think of him as a result of Leah's death, like she sent him.) I've been with Nick for over 9 months now, and well, to say the least, it's going great. Except I think having a boyfriend makes me feel too good about myself which keeps me gaining weight and lose control. :'( I hate it. I want my control back. But he really is great. Well that's my little update for the day. I hope to be back here more often. Hopefully it will help gain control. I will weigh 115 again! I will! I will! and less!

xoxo

So, I've Joined Cross Country. It's wonderful, except for the fact that I'm slower than everyone else. and I feel like a fat sow when we take team photos. Or just when we run as a group. I love running though. It's great.

boys... I broke up with my boyfriend about a month back. There's this stalker from the college I sometimes hang out with... just if i'm bored... He's like a feel good. then there's this other guy about a half an hour away who wants to date... and there's my best friend... mentioned as "bob" in the previous post. He.. he's different. and I love him. but maybe I love him more than I should. Last night after hanging out, I got the first urge to kiss him. I've never had that urge. or felt like I've liked him. but maybe I do. bah. It's just nuts. and makes me go crazy. I don't know who I can talk about this with. It's just crazy.

and from cross country mom is making me eat more carbs. it makes me fjksladjfslkj. feel so sick. I hate carbs. in the last day the scale said i ganed 2 lbs. i about cried. but it could've been because i just ate. and I was drinking a lot of water... but it's making me go crazy. and of course I was struggling on what to eat with my pills today. and I had a sandwhich. (carbs) for mom. More than I should have. I need to stop. I'm not going to lose weight with cross country If i eat like a freaking cow!!!

I've lost over 50 lbs. and I head back to school in less than a week. like 5 days. people are starting to notice. who see me more. my best friends (mentioned above)'s sister (whom i used to be friends with back in the day) txted him while we were hanging out asking "did Kristi get skinnier?" ahhh. I'm excited. but 50 lbs is still not enough for me. I have to keep going. 50 more lbs by january 6th (my birthday.) I can do it! 

Well I have to get ready for an orthosurgan consultation, then cc.
Peace!
kristi

so, no one will listen. everyone's a jerk. I've lost a LOT of weight since the last time i've posted for real. and well people notice and it's great but lately i have been binging and i can't stop. i hate it. I'm going to cry. DIE. i can't think straight. i think i've done far too many drugs to think straight or get my point across the way i want. it's nuts. i'm nuts. i still want to do more. but yet i don't...so my mom knows i pretty much starve myself. and while i've been binging she said 'kristi, you really need to focus on your diet' and ughhhhhh she basically said 'kristi... go starve yourself.. at least then you'll look pretty in your cascett.' My boyfriend is being ... a boy.. well.. lets see...i can't even focus enough to say this right. this is what i've gotten into since i have lost all this weight. boys are looking at me. and the thinner i get.. the thinner the boys get... weird.. no. fuck. everyone hates me and i deserve it. and well i have this friend named bob..(not really.. but for the mean time) bob likes cynthia. and cynthia used to like him but she just can't now and it's all now a big mess. and i'm in the middle and he's upset and she's upset. it's all BAD. a MESS and i'm in the middle. the loser and now bob wants to cling to me and be my best friend. because he doesn't have cynthia anymore. and he'll talk to me about his problems for hours on end. but i have no one to talk to about mine! GRR. and my boyfriend won't listen. my one best friend, leah, she's with her boy in indiana.. fucking him and everything and i'm here with everyone else being stressed out. and working and binging without purging and killing me inside. i just want to fast. successfully. please. my other best friend, she's a doll. and i love her. but sometimes i feel like she's not telling me everything. but it's all good in the hood. i just want to be happy. part of me likes this. and part of me hates it. but theres this girl on myspace who i saw who's at has lost 10 lbs and has an ed profile already. it makes me want to cry. i don't want to see her do what i did. i was huge. and everyone told me not to starve myself. and i did. i didn't listen. I hate it. i added her hoping i can talk her out of it and it's not too late. i'm not going to make her stop, but i'll let her know what she's in for. okay well i think that's all for tonight. its 2:09 am.
peace...
kristi

ohhh okay
so my boyfriends ex's name is 'kristina' but she goes by krissie or kristy so i need to find something else to go by.
my middle name? it's elizabeth so it's cute... i'll think about it

 

PS: FACTOID DE MOI: I'M IN LOVE WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I won't be 'fun' unless I'm thin.
I can't have friends/a boyfriend till I'm thin.
I won't be pretty until I'm thin.
I can't wear cute clothes, because I'm not thin.
I need to loose faster.
fast isn't fast enough for me.